


Sonic Ex Machina

by natarax



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types, おそ松さん | Osomatsu-san (Anime)
Genre: Crack, I'm so sorry, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 16:05:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7539109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natarax/pseuds/natarax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Have Sonic the Hedgehog solve your problem in under 500 words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sonic Ex Machina

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as an actual fic and I didn't know how to finish it so credit to Hobby (Murderm4chine) for the prompt and the ending of the first sentence, and credit to Suudonym for the title. Also I basically didn't edit this so don't yell at me about tenses. It adds to the shitty aesthetic.

“Okay, everybody blow out your candles on the count of three, ready? One…two… three!” Matsuyo snapped a picture as her house caved in on itself because hobby wants everyone to die.

“(ಠ△ಠ),” said Choromatsu. “Our house just fell on us! Good thing this is an anime so no one actually dies!”

“Actually,” Osomatsu starts, “Karamatsu’s dead.”

“Well who really gives a shit about him anyway,” Todomatsu snips.

“Hey, you should always care about your brothers!” The ~~six~~ five boys look up to see a three foot tall anthropomorphic blue hedgehog standing heroically on top of a pile of rubble (which is why they had to look up), and Jyushimatsu starts screaming.

Osomatsu rubs a finger under his nose and says, “Of course we care, but he’s coming back, you know. This is an anime!”

Sonic rubs a finger under his nose and says, “Well, sure, but don’t treat his death like it’s nothing! And he won’t come back with a pole shoved through his torso.”

Osomatsu rubs a finger under his nose a little more vigorously than the last time, and says with a bit of an edge to his voice, “Well maybe I want him to stay dead; he’s a fucking crybaby and is never gonna let it go that he’s the only one who died.”

Sonic rubs a finger under his nose so fast his hand blurs, and he says, “Look, dude. I’ve been in an anime before. He’s not gonna remember this in the next episode. Just pull out the pole and move on with your life.”

Osomatsu jumps into a battle stance, and rubs his finger under his nose like his life depends on it. “Yeah, but I’ve been in three whole animes! You’ve only been in one, and it was based off of your preexisting games!”

Sonic rubs his finger under his nose so fast you can’t even see his hand while maintaining a fairly casual position. “The third season wasn’t! Remember Cosmo, and how Tails fell in love with her because of heteronormativity? I wouldn’t allow the straights to ruin my games, why do you think I always run away from Amy?”

Osomatsu’s face begins to bleed. “Hey, not all straights—“

Sonic holds up a finger with his other hand, as the one under his nose is still not visible. “I’m gonna stop you right there. Pull the pole out of your brother’s stomach and come back next episode when you’re calmer.”

“Actually, I’ve already pulled the pole out of Karamatsu. I was hoping to see him bleed but he was too far dead,” Ichimatsu says (you were wondering if he was even here, weren’t you).

Osomatsu’s face cracks open under the pressure of his finger and he screams. Sonic’s hand falls off and hits Todomatsu in the face, and he screams. Sonic also screams because he lost his hand. Jyushimatsu is still screaming, Choromatsu is crying, Ichimatsu is silently brooding and Sonic offhandedly thinks about another hedgehog friend (ow, the edge), and Karamatsu is resting peacefully in the realm of death. Matsuyo and Matsuzo are already hitchhiking their way to another country. All ends well.

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, I used to write Sonic fanfiction so uh. This was probably too easy.


End file.
